These are some random jokes/thoughts I have come up with:
(Algebra joke)
What did 1+x^2 say when it left R[x] for C[x]?
It's been real, but I've gotta split.
(Differentiable Manifolds thought)
If you chose a basis for every incoming undergraduate, would that be a new student orientation?
My response when someone said they wanted to just wear a funny hat for Halloween:
Oh, you could be a coordinate representation.
What do cars use to listen?
Engine-ears!!!
Did you hear this new craze of physicists posting videos of themselves calculating forces and radii and multiplying them together?
I think they call it... torqueing?
What do Barack Obama and two peas in a pod have in common?
They're both figures of speech!
(Algebra joke)
What's an example of a root in a field that splits into rings?
An onion!
(this attempt at a joke just includes a lot of algebra terms)
What do a happily married pirate couple and x^2+1 have in common?
Neither splits over arrrr!
Kid complaining to parent...
Kid: I hate adding!
Parent: Hey, have a better additude!
New motto for the Algebraic Topology Seminar:
"Do you even lift, bro?"
Best name for a math acapella group: InVerse. Ooh, it could even specialize in oldies and its motto would be "Bringing it back!"
When someone says we have crude bounds or estimates for a quantity, I imagine that they're just normal bounds or estimates, but with considerably more swearing involved.
Little known fact: The popular children's song "For he's a jolly good fellow" was actually originally written about NSF Fellows.
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All of Lebesgue measure theory in a nutshell:
(first instance of my mad MS Paint skillz)
A mathematician and Paris Hilton are having a conversation.
The mathematician asks, "What's the difference between an analytic function and one of its Taylor polynomials?"
Paris replies, "That's HOT."
A physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are sitting on a train. The physicist is playing with a rubber band, the mathematician is eating dinner, and the statistician is reading a newspaper. Who is the conductor?
Not the rubber band... because rubber isn't a conductor!
There once was a French political party called Lagrange's Multipliers, which was a group of ardent supporters of the operation of multiplication. It disbanded quickly however, due to some ... division in the party.
In a pickle with pickles
A man is holding pickles in his hands and wants to store them somewhere. He spies an empty room and hopes that there are containers inside. He enters the room, but doesn't see any. Then he turns around and notices that the door is ajar.
A dinosaur is at a fancy steakhouse. The waiter dinosaur comes up to him and says, "Sir, what will you have?" And the dinosaur is like, "I'll take a half pound steak." And the waiter dinosaur is like, "Ok that sounds good." And then the dinosaur is like, "Actually give me a little more meat. 1 pound." And the waiter dinosaur is like, "ok sir." And then the dinosaur is like actually I want meatier. 2 pounds." And the waiter dinosaur is like, "um ok sir." And then the dinosaur is like, "Meatier. 3 pounds." And the waiter says, "Meatier. Meatier." And the dinosaur is like, "um sure..." And the waiter is like, "Meatier. Meatier." And the dinosaur is like, "Hey buddy, are you making fun of me?" And then the waiter is like, "Meatier. Meatier. Meteor." The end.
Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants for their 3rd championship in 5 years!!! And thank you, Madison Bumgarner. We are forever in your debt. Looking forward to 2016.
I have two ideas for board games:
1. GAUSS WHO?
The name of this game is GAUSS WHO? Carl Friedrich Gauss proved hundreds of results throughout his life, in a wide array of fields. As you can probably guess by the name, this game is a spin-off of the classic two-player game GUESS WHO? Each player will start with a game board consisting of 48 frames with one of Gauss's results in each frame, and a separate card that his or her opponent is trying to guess. However, each player can only learn about the opponent's card using yes or no questions. The wide variety of questions that can be asked is where the fun really ensues!
Sample questions: Is my result in number theory? In Algebra? In Physics? In Differential Geometry? Does my result involve determining the irreducibility of a primitive polynomial? Does this result involve integrals and surfaces? Does my result rhyme with "The Maw of Mawdratic Messiprocity?" Does my result involve the word "Gauss" in it? (Note this last question is equivalent to asking "Is my person a boy?" in the original GUESS WHO? game.)
And there's a special bonus included: Blank cards! You can create your own cards including results of Gauss and play with your friends! So run out and get your copy of GAUSS WHO? The Mystery Gauss Game, produced by NC Newton Cayley.
2. Trivial Pursuit
The following is an idea I thought of with my friends at UCLA during an office hour for Algebra. The name of this second game is Trivial Pursuit. While there is already a game with this title, our idea is actually primarily a spin-off of the awesome board game Apples to Apples. The object of the game is to provide the briefest, most complete proofs you can to various familiar mathematical statements.
You will need at least 3 players for this game. Included with the game is scratch paper, a clock of diameter 18 inches (standard clock found in classrooms), and 300 Statements. A Statement is a card that includes a result or problem that most graduate students should be able to prove, solve, or at least be aware of.
Sample Statements: If R is a UFD, then R[x] is also a UFD; The First Isomorphism Theorem for Groups; The Fundamental Theorem of Algebra (assuming Liouville's Theorem); Fatou's Lemma; The Dominated Convergence Theorem.
During each "office hour," one player acts as Student while the other players act as Professors. At the beginning of each "office hour," the Student draws a Statement and reads it to the Professors. The Professors then receive 3 minutes to individually scribble proofs of the Statement. Time will be kept nervously by the Student using the included clock. After 3 minutes, the Student will announce, "I could just get help somewhere else...," and each of the Professors will write "The statement follows" at the end of their proofs before stopping writing. Starting to the right of the Student and continuing counter-clockwise (this is always the correct direction to go), each Professor will receive 30 seconds to explain the proof of the Statement to the Student. After hearing each proof, the Student will give the Statement to Professor with the best proof, weighing equally: 1. brevity of writing; 2. completeness of the written proof; and 3. quality of the proof explained orally. After the "office hour," the player to the right of the Student will become the new Student, and all players will act as Professors. The player whose time of birth is closest to 1:59:26 AM on PI Day will be the first Student. The game concludes when one of the players earns 5 Statements.
One immediate concern is that the Professor who gets to explain last during a given "office hour" will get to hear the other Professors' explanations, and thus, give a better explanation and be more likely to get the Statement. However, I believe that this advantage will be mitigated by the fact that the quality of the written part- brevity and completeness- should be weighted as 2/3 of the Student's evaluation of the proofs, and the rotation of who is Student means everyone should receive this small advantage.
An additional concern would be that some Professors may feel that the winning Professor of an "office hour" gave too incomplete of a proof and does not deserve the Statement. In that case, a Professor may "challenge" the winning Professor. The winning Professor will receive an additional 30 seconds to fill in any holes in his or her proof that the "challenging" Professor brought up. If the Student then changes his or her mind on who deserves the Statement, another Professor will earn the Statement. If the Student does not change his or her mind, the winning Teacher will keep the statement and get to scoff at the "challenging" Teacher.
A variation of play would include each Teacher choosing a different Statement to discourage poaching off other Teacher's proofs. The disadvantages of this variation include using up all of the cards quicker than desired, and that Teachers may choose Statements of varying difficulty.
BONUS: Included are blank flashcards... ahem I mean blank official Statement cards, on which you and your friends can write your own Statements, making it a potentially great study tool!
And that's how you play Trivial Pursuit... the quest to test who can emulate Lang best!
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The following is a true love story since Valentine's Day is close:
A Destructive Process
We first met while running, two or three minutes at a time. At the beginning, she had it all together and she soon entered into a closed relationship with me. Whenever someone challenged me to find something, she was always there to help me out. It took me quite some time (I'll admit embarrassingly long!), but I discovered she was perfect.
After some time however, she began to lose it. She began to take some from every component that made her whole. After we stopped running, after she removed all the intervals, I found her to be bounded. I had gone from writing her initials C.S. on everything I had to realizing she was totally disconnected from society. It broke my heart because we had run so many arguments together, certainly uncountably many. When I finally removed almost every piece of her from my life, I realized I had nothing left. How I loved thee Cantor set, truly one of the fairer sex... I mean sets.
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A conversation a few of my friends and I had on Pi Day...
Friend 1: How many digits of pi have you guys memorized?
Friend 2: I used to remember like ten or so, but now I only know 3.14.
Friend 1: Yeah, me too.
Friend 3 (a number theorist): I just know it's about 3.
Me (an analyst): I just know it's finite.
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Consider the outside temperature as a function of time. Coming from California, I used to believe the temperature function was continuous, possibly even differentiable. Now in Illinois, I'm not even sure it's measurable.
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At UCLA, I took a year of French. My final project for the last French class was:
1. to write a fairytale in French and present it in a powerpoint, or
2. to review a French film.
Obviously, I chose door 1 as it seemed infinitely more fun. I will tell you my tale in English as my french language skills have dropped off considerably. I do this because some may find it entertaining, but mostly to show off my mad MS Paint skills.
This fairytale is titled "L'ouvrier agricole avec la vache qui donnait de l'or,"
or "the farmer with the cow who gave gold."
His parents died when he was young, so he worked for his uncle Gaston on his farm.
Gaston yelled constantly at Jean that he had no one.
The only thing Jean wanted in the world was a friend.
Jean dreamed of going to this island where he could make a friend.
However, a ticket to the Island of Dreams cost a million dollars.
When Jean returned, Gaston would pronounce,
"When you get a million dollars, you can leave. But until then, you have to work for me."
when came across a cow with an injured leg.
Jean went back to the farm to get some bandages and food for the cow.
When he returned, he told the cow, "I'm going to name you Happiness."
Happiness was giving gold!
Gaston declared, "You will sell the gold at the market and give me half of the money!"
Jean happily agreed to this deal.
Word quickly spread and huge crowds formed to see "the farmer with the cow who gave gold."
Though, Jean didn't notice because he was overjoyed with all of the new friends he had.
However, he also discovered that Happiness no longer gave gold.
Jean cried, "Don't worry about it, cow! I'm just going to leave you anyway next week for the Island of Dreams!"
Gaston told him, "Ok. After you leave, I'm going to sell the 'cow who gives gold' at an auction."
Happiness was his first real friend.
Jean rushed back to the farm.
"300 thousand! 700! 900 thousand dollars!"
"Who will pay one million dollars for the cow who gives gold?!?"
Without waiting a moment, Jean cried, "I will buy him!" and bought Happiness.
He finally had a friend.
He had Happiness.
And that is the story about the farmer with the cow who gave gold.
The end.
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These are my two favorite problems that I've come up with. (September 3rd, 2015 worksheet, Math 220)
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After more than a year of Comcast's cheapest internet plan, I have discovered the 21st century version of the rain dance: the Wi-fi dance.
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I actually thought of this one in a dream (I was so proud of myself in the dream):
How you explain to your significant other that you don't need Calc III because you already have him or her:
"I don't need Q dy... because I already have you, Q dπ."
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Just read online, "There's probably a number between 1 and 1000 that I've never said before." My thought? Well, as the closed interval [1,1000] has cardinality equal to that of the continuum, the probability is high that you're right.
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Did you know that people sell plastic nets to hit tennis balls with, making a lot of noise?
I just think it's a racket.
(Notice that I used 3 different definitions of a single word...)
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Did you hear that downtown, there's a marketplace selling homemade crafts?
I just think it's a little bazaar. (like bizarre)
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A matrix J decides to change the names of its rows to pears. After some time, J is despondent over the name change and tells her companion matrix R. R comforts J, "Don't diss pear. For that which we call rows by any other name is just as sweet."
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All beds are warm.
That's a blanket statement.
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(best read out loud)
Today is backwards yo.
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I love airplanes and everything about them. So, I always get so disappointed while watching the first episode of a series. Darn misleading titles...
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A girl was playing hide-and-go-seek with a spider. Why did she get out?
Because it spied her!
The same girl then played hide-and-go-seek with Spiderman. Why did she get out this time?
Because he spied her, man!
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I have realized that when going out, I differentiate between a snack and a meal based purely on the price.
For example, anything less than 5 dollars is regarded as a snack and anything above is a meal.
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Have you heard the one about the towel and the desert?
Actually i don't know... It's pretty dry humor.
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A new theory on what determines one's level of funniness
You have probably noticed that nearly all comedians have really large knees. Now that's because all of them eat a lot of pho noodles, which causes them to get what is commonly referred to as the "pho knee". This also explains why most comedians are either funny or phony; it's due to pronunciation.
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Oh dear, John, by Nicholas Sparks
In the best seller Dear John, we journeyed with Savannah as she fell in love with a soldier John and experienced the death of her husband Tom. Now married with John with kids, Savannah must overcome yet another challenge: Dealing with John's lame jokes.
John: Hey Savannah Banana. Guess what?
Savannah: What John?
John: Why did the soldier no longer see one-to-one with his pompous, recently promoted general?
Savannah: Why John?...
John: Because he no longer had a trivial colonel.
Savannah: Oh dear, John.
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This adorable little grandma, Mrs. Lee, discovered that you save short videos in the form of gifs. Hearing this, her grandson Frank suggested she go by the river to record some of the beavers at work. She responded, "Frank Lee, my dear, I don't gif a dam."
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What is love?
I think love is the movie The Notebook. It's knowing someone is so totally good (perhaps with some flaws) that even in the darkest of times, you will work through it eagerly, believing that they'll soon come back to you.
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I don't sweat the small stuff. I sweat the big stuff and this is especially problematic at the gym. I hate having to use the community stretching mats because I usually end up leaving a huge back sweat stain on the one I use. Then today at the gym, I had a spark of genius. What I discovered was that I could get a mat as usual and then just put a second mat on top. The bottom mat barely gets any sweat on it at all! Why am I so smart!?!? :)
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After watching the Olympics, I'm now going to be shaving my body before tests to reduce air resistance.
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